


princess of nowhere

by EnigmaticSplendor



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Allura Week 2017, Depression, Gen, Loss, Trauma, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-17
Updated: 2017-10-17
Packaged: 2019-01-18 13:47:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12389319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EnigmaticSplendor/pseuds/EnigmaticSplendor
Summary: The orphan princess of a long dead planet must carry on. Her people may be gone, her culture may be forgotten, but still she has not. She will never. She must not fall, not even once.





	princess of nowhere

**Author's Note:**

> I love Allura and the writers refuse to explore her trauma so I have to! For Allura Week Day 2: Trauma/Loss. I hope I do my girl justice.

It's not as though Allura could call out to him. She knows this. It's not like he could ever answer but even so she finds herself calling anyway. Looking back at old holologs, searching through their messages, just for his voice, his face, his presence.

 

_“Allura… I love you.”_

 

_“ Allura… I love you.”_

 

_“Allura… I love you.”_

 

It's all she has left really, just this fragment of a message, just the familiar sound, the warm crystal in her hand.

 

In these moments she is so profoundly alone. A princess without her kingdom. An orphan of the most piteous circumstances.

 

Sitting in the closet, trying to call out to a ghost. She has to call. Has to try. If she doesn't she'll forget his voice, forget the sound of his spirit. And if she forgets anything, even something so small, what kind of daughter would she be?

 

* * *

 

There are days where she hates him. He died and left her alone like this, left her brokenhearted, left her with money and comforts beyond imagining. Left her with _things_ as if any item could fill the void of his absence.

 

How could he be so selfish to leave her behind?

 

He had to have known that she'd give anything to see his face again.

 

Had to know how she’d ache with sorrow so deep she’d feel she’d break. He had to have realized. Her father was never known for rash decisions, not like this, not of this magnitude.

 

Could he not imagine the devastation this tragedy would wreak upon her?

 

* * *

 

There is nothing left of Altea, of her family save herself. Allura realizes this in the dark hour of a moonless night, that she is the last living artifact of her people, of their culture.

 

As the thought rolls around in her head it's as if the night becomes darker, more unforgiving. She is alone, floating through the infinity of existence with no one by her side. No one who knows the dark, wet sadness in her heart as well as she does.

 

Even Coran had the gift of a long life, of history and legacy that he could hold close in his heart. Faces to remember when he was lonely, when he missed his home. All she had were the specters of a mother gone too soon, a father too self sacrificial to survive for her, and the countless faces of her people that she’d never come to know in her youth.

 

* * *

 

There is no homeland to return to.

 

Nowhere to go.

Graves to visit.

Place to mourn.

 

* * *

 

Forgiveness of self is hard for her to grasp.

 

She was their princess, their warrior. Should have been her saviour. Should have protected them. Yet in her nearly endless sleep she’d failed each and every single one of her people, casting them out into a silence so eternal she couldn’t even bear to fathom it.

 

Did they cry out in pain when their end came? Did they wonder why no one had come to save them? In their last moments… had they blamed her for this agony they must have endured?

 

These questions keep her awake each night, taunt her in her daily life. Her people… her proud and beautiful people all perished yet she lives and laughs each day. Yet she feels the warmth of her companions. Hears the sound of their chatter and takes comfort in it. How can she accept such an injustice? How can she survive when all others were lost and dare to be happy about it.

Can she even excuse it?

The answer alludes her.

Torments her.

 

* * *

 

In her youth she would feel her entire planet’s sound, constantly spreading out from her heart to the ends of her hair. It was as though the people of her homeland were so deeply connected that their very quintessence was one.

 

Allura could feel them in her heartbeat, each pump of blood through her body filled her up with such a feeling of joy and unity that she had not even noticed until it was gone. Until that shared song went all but silent, just a few scattered heartbeats, too tragic and distant for her to take comfort in.

  


For her to forgive herself.

Coran comes to her one day, stiff with worry, “Princess, have you been doing well?” And yes, of course she has, what would make him ask such a thing.

 

“Princess you and I have… we’ve been through something indescribable. I know we don’t discuss this much-

 

“Then why start now? There’s nothing we can do for it.” Only make sure it never happens to anyone else again.

“Sometimes it can just help to talk about things, Allura.” His voice is soft, softer than she'd ever heard it and heavy with worry.

 

It makes her sick.

“Unless I can bring our planet back by speaking Coran I don’t see the point. You’re concern is appreciated but unnecessary.”

Coran simply nods, taking in the tense set of her shoulder, the subtle quiver of her upper lip,” Of course princess. Thank you for taking the time to hear an old man’s concerns.”

The smile that follows is almost enough to assuage his worries. Almost.

 

* * *

 

 

There is the calm and settled gaze of a princess. A smile that does not leave when there is an audience. A forced softness that’s a bit like uncooked dough that’s just been chilled.

 

The veneer of comfort is enough to fool most, make them sink their hands into that cool softness, press their fingers together in greeting. Pulled in by that promise of warmth, of safety.

 

Her people are gone. This is certain. But she is still a princess. By birth, by nature, by choice, she will a symbol of hope, of resilience to all others living in oppression. She will be what she can be to atone for failings, to fill the grief of her loss.

 

To keep the light shining for a universe afraid of the stars.

* * *

  


She takes up the pink armor and mourns through warfare. Mourns through work and unification. Allura’s tears have all dried in the heat of battle, no longer does she water the worlds with her sorrow.

 

She paints the galaxy green green green, with freedom and peace. Letting the light inside of her heal all broken things. Every sad darkness is snuffed out through her love and effort. Through her pain and sacrifice.

 

There will never be another Altea. Not even in her dreams. Those memories of the junniberries, the razor sharp rain that smelled of fresh sweet bread with jam. Those memories of her mother and father, locked away in the past. They are all gone, lost to her forever.

 

No, there will never be another Altea, but there will never be another planet lost, another people destroyed so completely. So long as she lives she will make sure of it.

 

With her every breath, every moment, she will fight until there is no more breath left in her body.

 

She swears it.

 

She swears.

 

**Author's Note:**

> So since even before the show aired Allura has been losing so much. Suffering so much, and just repressing everything. They're all basically child soldiers sans Shiro, and the show at least gives the others a chance to show some form of upset over their circumstance and share comfort. But Allura doesn't get that. All of her deep, sad, emotional moments have been mostly alone, under duress, or with a hologram. Save for Coran, she has no support system that she can really really talk to and she is definitely unwilling to show her feelings. Season four is the first time that she really expressed any doubt openly to the team. 
> 
> I wrote this to really get into her head and see if I could give her some kind of emotional explanation. A chance to work through her feelings and for me to at least imagine what she must be thinking or feeling. I hope that you enjoy and that it doesn't have too negative an effect on anyone. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
